


White Rabbit

by PetruchioandtheRose



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst, Brain Cancer, Brain tumor, Friendship, Gen, Hurt Ray Palmer, Legends of Tomorrow - Freeform, Nate's a good friend, Nausea, Ray Palmer - Freeform, Ray Palmer Needs a Hug, Seizures, breakdowns, hiding from team, sick ray palmer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:20:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24970687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetruchioandtheRose/pseuds/PetruchioandtheRose
Summary: (previously titled More than Demons) After Ray Palmer receives the diagnosis of a brain tumor, he decides to hide it from the team until it becomes painfully obvious. Slowly, various things that Ray had been trying to hide from his friends come to light, and Ray feels the world he has built crumble down.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 13





	1. It's Just Low Blood Sugar

**Author's Note:**

> Not mine, never mine, won't ever be mine. 
> 
> I also need a little help with characterization, so if anybody wants to help with that, give a shout down below

“Gideon, can you run the scan again? There--there has to be a mistake.”

“I’m sorry Dr. Palmer. There have been no mistakes in the scan.”

“Gideon, can you do me a favor? Please don’t tell anyone on the ship.”

“Are you sure about that decision, Dr. Palmer?”

“Ye-yeah. Just while I process all this.”

“Very well, Dr. Palmer.”

Ray ripped the band from his wrist and started to pace the med-bay. He swiped through the scans and sighed. How was he going to break this to the team?

“What are you doing here alone?”

“Mar-Marty! Hi! I was just-” Ray gestured wildly at the scans in his hands “looking at some scans. Arbitrary scans. Yeah. Not someone in particular. Just wanting to brush up on my knowledge and stuff. Can’t hurt learning things about the human body in case Gideon is down, right?”

“Right. I was simply to inquire you whether you would be willing to use your atom suit and assist Jefferson in repairs.” 

“Sure. Anything to help a friend.” Ray chuckled and set the scans down, not before he deleted them. There was no need to worry anyone yet.

~

Ray sat in his quarters and rubbed his head. His headaches were getting worse as the days went on. He had woken hours before but had been busy nursing the headache that seemed to increase in severity with every movement. 

“Everyone to the bridge. We have a team meeting,” he heard Sara call over the speakers. He groaned and stood, using the wall to stabilize himself. He’ll just get an Advil later. 

~

“Although we’ve been cleared to fly, Time Bureau is going to jump at the chance to arrest us, so we need to tread carefully,” Sara said as she scanned the room. Everyone was more or less attentive except for, to her surprise, Ray. Ray, aptly nicknamed Eagle Scout, was usually the one who she could count on to be paying attention. Instead, he was wincing and swaying. 

“You good, Ray?”

“I-I” Ray stammered then suddenly dropped to the ground. 

“Ray!” Sara shouted and rushed to his side. However, when she reached his side, he was already coming to and attempting to sit up. But Jax pushed him back down.

“You shouldn’t be up yet. Maybe there’s something wrong with you.”

“It must have been low blood sugar. It’s early in the morning and I didn’t have much to eat. I’m fine, guys.”

“Still, we should check you up and make sure there’s nothing wrong with you,” Nate said as he steeled up so he could carry the bigger man. 

“Look I’m fine,” Ray assured them and left the bridge rubbing his temple while the team looked on suspiciously. 

Ray walked back to his quarters with a bottle of Advil fabricated by the ship. He groaned and gently lowered himself into his bed. 

“Gideon, what happened back there?” 

“It seems like you have suffered an atonic seizure, Dr. Palmer.”

“Gideon, do me a favor and tell the team that it was just low blood sugar? There’s no reason to alarm them just yet.”

“Of course, Dr. Palmer, although I must say that this is highly unadvisable.”

“Only for a little while. Don’t worry.”

“I am an AI, Dr. Palmer. I am incapable of feeling worry.”

~

“Ray, are you sure you’re alright?”

“I’m fine, Jax. Just blood sugar. Nothing that a little food can’t fix!”

Jax nodded, although it was clear he was still worrying. 

“Well, if you’re fine, then are you up for working on separating Grey and me?”

“Sure, yeah. I’ll be right there.”

~

“If my, sorry, our calculations are correct, then this serum should separate you two and make yourselves whole again.”

“That’s great! So we just inject it, right?” Jax asked, picking up the injector gun.

“Right.”

“I’m sorry, Dr. Palmer, but you don’t seem too excited about the prospect of separating such an entity as Jefferson and myself?”

“Oh, yes. I’m ecstatic. Yes. I must be getting tired.”

Ray clapped his hands together. “Well, there’s that. I’m going to go to bed. I’m, I’m very tired.” With that, Ray smiled grimly and returned to his quarters. As he reached his bed, he collapsed onto it and muttered to himself, “I’m spending a lot of time here, aren’t I?”

“Sure seems that way, Dr. Palmer.”

~

“Sara?”

“What is it, Jax?”

“I’m really worried about Ray. He’s acting really off lately.”

‘You’re right. Collapsing?”

“And you know how he’s always a happy-camper-everything’s-great?”

“Let me guess. He was just the opposite.”

“Yeah.”

“Gideon, what’s wrong with Ray?”

“Dr. Palmer asked me to tell you that it was low blood sugar, Captain Lance.”

Sara turned away from Jax and narrowed her eyes.

“What are you hiding, Ray?


	2. Plastic Orange Gloria

The headaches were getting worse. Ray found himself sleeping more and more to quell the pain. But whenever he was awake, whether it was to figure out the weird Freaky Friday situation with the professor and Jax or a Gorilla Grodd, there was no time to dwell in his own pains. After all, he was the Atom: a superhero who saves time. 

“Mmph” Ray grunted into his pillow.

Okay. A superhero with a killer headache. He knew that he should probably tell the team. They were always there for him. However, he might become a liability, and if there was one thing he hated, it was someone being responsible for him. He was a genius with a brilliant brain. Well, a brain that was out to get him.

“Just 5 more minutes. Then I’ll get up and help the team. Right now my head really hurts. Gideon, can you dim the lights?” With that, Ray Palmer fell back into his bed into another fitful sleep. 

In what seemed like no time, he was woken up by Sara Lance, who was rapping the wall next to his bed. 

“You weren’t answering the PA system or the comms or Mick banging on your door. You must’ve been really tired.”

“But you were practically asleep all day yesterday,” Nate said from the doorway. 

“Are you sure you’re alright, Ray?” Sara asked, tilting her head suspiciously at him. 

“I’m fine, I’m fine. I...must have had too much to drink last night, that’s all.”

“Ray Palmer drink? I have never seen you drink casually.” Nate smirked at the prospect of this. 

“What are you hiding?” Sara demanded, slamming her hand against the wall. The sound rang in his head, making his colossal headache even worse. 

“Nothing, Sara, nothing,” Ray groaned as he rose from his bed and promptly collapsed. 

“Nate, bring him to the medbay. And tell the rest of the team to meet us there”

~

“Gideon, what’s wrong with him?”

“It looks like Dr. Palmer is suffering from anaplastic oligodendroglioma tumors in the brain.” 

“Gideon, you traitor,” Ray muttered as he slowly blinked awake. 

“What does plastic orange gloria mean?” Mick grunted. 

“Brain tumor. Brain tumor, Ray. You were hiding a brain tumor?” Sara yelled, throwing her hands in the air. 

“Sara, I- I’ll tell you everything, just stop yelling. You’re making my head worse. It, I, it,” Ray stammered, then gripped the armrest and started to sway. Before anyone could say anything, Ray began to convulse in a seizure, his long limbs thrashing around. Martin Stein rushed towards him, turning Ray onto his side while Gideon announced, 

“Anticonvulsants administered.”

“Gideon, tell me more about this, this brain tumor,” Jax said.

“Anaplastic oligodendroglioma tumors are malignant tumors that have taken residence in the frontal and temporal lobes in Dr. Palmer’s brain. The chances of survival are-”

“Don’t tell me statistics, Gideon. What I need to know is whether it is treatable or not,”

“The tumor is treatable but commonly recurs.”

The team all gazed at Ray Palmer, who was sleeping peacefully but with a grimace.

“What are we going to do with you, Raymond?” Martin Stein sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much research was put into this... but I'm not an expert in this particular realm. If anyone is willing to help out, I would be much obliged. 
> 
> Again, characterization is still a problem, so if you want to assist, please do!


	3. Brains are Fragile Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun times, putting my problems onto characters in my fanfiction (not the brain cancer one, thank the Lord).  
> Also, this chapter went way quicker than I anticipated in terms of pacing in the story. Sorry if it's unnatural because of it...

Jefferson Jackson stood in the medbay, studying Ray’s brain scans. He was no doctor, but even he could tell that the masses in Ray’s brain were unnatural. Even if he could beat cancer, which were, as he had been taught, in the right frontal and temporal lobe, there was a big chance it could come back, and what then?

“Hey, Gideon? Do you guys have a cure for brain cancer in the future?” Jax asked. 

“Unfortunately not. Scientists even in the future find the brain to be much too fragile for excessive technological interference.”

“But don’t you have medicine in the future?” 

“Yes, and we will certainly take advantage of the time ship to make sure Dr. Palmer has the best care he could receive.” 

“You better.”

~

Ray groaned as he woke. He rubbed his head, wincing at the sharp pains. He reached up to stretch, a habit that he had developed in the mornings but realized that he could barely move his left arm. Confused, he gently lifted himself up off of the chair, only to be pushed back by Jax.

“Woah woah woah, Ray. I don’t know if you should be moving yet.”

Then, the rest of the team rushed into the room, all in various states of chaos. 

“Gideon told us you were awake,” Zari said, pajama-clad and a half-eaten donut in hand. 

“So y’all decided it was drop everything and go time?” Jax asked, chuckling. Ray looked at the team assembled before him and smiled humorlessly. 

“I guess you all know about the-” Ray gestured towards his head. At everyone’s somber faces, he huffed out a laugh and asked, “Gideon? When am I free to leave?”

“While it is inadvisable for you to be walking around, I am able to monitor your condition from anywhere on this ship and can alert everyone else if there is any change.”

“Well, Ray. In that case, you are allowed to go, although we all do have to meet to discuss your treatment plan,” Sara said, patting Ray on the back.

“I thought that you guys would have already laid all that out for me and everything and force me to stay in the med-bay”

“Ray, we’re friends. And more than that, this is your body we’re talking about. We can’t just go mad scientists on you, even if it is because we care about you. I imagine that was why you didn’t tell us?” Sara said, crossing his arms. 

“I was worried to be a liability, especially since we are getting so close to defeating Mallus.”

“But now he's gone! We’ve been cruising around the temporal zone. Why didn’t you tell us then?” Nate said. 

“I know it wasn’t the smart thing to do or the right thing to do, and I’m sorry--”

“Ray. You’re avoiding the question. Why didn’t you tell us?” Sara demanded. 

“I was scared, all right? I was scared of losing this. It was easier to smile and laugh with you because I knew you weren’t bothered by this.”

“Why would we change? I mean, we’d probably be more gentle with you, but you’re still my man, Ray.” Nate smiled at Ray, but he didn’t smile back.

“All my life people have left me because I was different. No one cared about science experiments or  _ Singing in the Rain _ . Even my mom wanted me to be more normal. So I’m sorry if I disappointed you, but I can’t let people down anymore!” Ray ripped the IV band from his arm, wincing as he did so. He blinked away tears as he walked towards his own quarters.

He quickly locked the door behind him and all but collapsed onto the floor, gasping for breath as the tears began to flow faster. He had never had that big of a breakdown in front of the team before. He huddled near the wall, bringing his legs closer to him towards his chest and continued to cry silently, agony drawn on his face but no indication of the pain expressed in sound. Ray began to rock, gripping his legs tighter. There was a roar similar to that of the ocean in his ears as he began to rock harder until he was practically throwing himself against the wall he was leaning on. 

After checking the lab and the galley, Nate concluded that Ray was hiding out in his room. He had to admit that the ordeal that he had experienced in the medbay was not like Ray at all, and the team had sent him to smooth things out with a bro-hug and maybe an epic it-will-be-alright playlist. He knocked on the door and waited for a response but received none. Nate tried to open the door, but to surprise the door was uncharacteristically locked. “Must have been a mistake,” Nate thought and pushed in the override code.

Nate entered Ray’s room, expecting the scientist to be contemplating his situation or something science-y. His eyes widened when he saw what was going on before him. Ray didn’t even seem to notice Nate’s presence, simply vigorously knocking into the wall while muttering unintelligibly. Nate rushed over and sat in front of his best friend, gripping his shoulders to prevent Ray from hurting himself further. 

At the touch, Ray’s eyes flew open, and Nate’s heart dropped when he saw how broken they looked. Ray stared at Nate and the still ajar door.

“How’d you--”   
“Override code.” But instead of the smile he expected, the hunted look in his eyes deepened. 

“Hey, I’ll stop using the code if it bothers you that much,” Nate said, wrinkling his eyebrows. Ray didn’t lose the look, but gave a small smirk, scooting over so that Nate could sit next to him on the floor.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s fine. I don’t need to.” Ray said, gazing at the floor.

“Talking about it is the best way to think through it. You told me that.”

“Well, maybe you’re not the best person to talk to!” Ray blurted, then widened his eyes at what he had said. 

“Wait, I didn’t mean that, Nate. You’re my best friend.”

“No, I get it,” Nate said. “I did invade your privacy and make you feel uncomfortable. Come find me when you’re ready.”

Nate rose with a gentle pat on the back and turned away, missing the guilty look on Ray’s face. He knew that maybe leaving Ray alone in this situation was a bad idea, and Ray was clearly not in the right mind state, but those words had hurt him enough to put that aside. 

When Nate’s retreating back finally disappeared from view, Ray slowly got up and reached into a desk cabinet, opening an old diary from his childhood. He cracked it open and turned to the next blank page. He traced his finger over the last entry he had written, dated October 2nd, 1993:  _ Jack told me he didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I guess I understand that. I only wanted to talk about chemistry while he wanted to talk about the Chicago Bulls. Maybe instead of trying to make friends, I should just focus on something else. Then I won’t make people think that it was a waste to be my friend because I won’t have any friends. _

  
Ray picked up a pen and wrote underneath the tear-stained entry:  _ I should have listened to my 12-year-old self. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To clear things up, this takes place after Season 3 but there is no hell-things that came out with Mallus. So slight Season 3 spoilers, probably references to Season 4 and 5 because I watched them more recently and they have pretty good things to reference. Oh, and Stein's not dead because I already wrote him in last chapter and I really don't want to change that. So for the purposes of this story, Stein survives Crisis, but Jax and Stein decide that they need to spend time off the ship to figure out who they are separate from Firestorm and being a Legend. Stein and Jax both come to help fight in the final episode, but Stein goes back home before Jax. Sorry if the timeline thing is confusing. It's my bad... I should have established where, or rather when we were before I started anything.  
> As always, I'm not an expert in any of this medical stuff and I am heavily relying on Google to fact check everything. If anything is incorrect, let me know!


	4. Go All Bald and Forget

“I hope no one’s in the bathroom,” Zari muttered as she sleepily walked across the ship. But when she reached the room, the door was closed and locked. Groaning, she raised her hand to knock and demand speediness when she heard vomiting from within. Her mind immediately went to the “extreme lasagna” that Nate had challenged Wally to eat the night before. She was sure it was one of the two when she heard a moan that was distinctively Ray. Sympathy rushed through her and she gently rapped on the door instead of the planned slams.

“Hey, Ray?” Zari called. “Can I come in?”

Inside, Ray was contemplating whether he wanted Zari inside with him or not. He had just made a promise to himself yesterday to not get closer to the other members of the team. However, as he assessed his situation, he knew that he couldn’t do this alone. Not this part, at least. He had been drinking tap water to fight the dehydration he was starting to feel in his throat. He was also insanely tired, resting his head on the toilet seat dangerously close to the red button. 

In between retches he reached up and unlocked the door, letting his arm fall with a thump. Zari slowly opened the door and almost teared up. It was hard to see someone so strong and so kind be so weak. 

“Not feeling well?” Zari said quietly. Instead of responding, Ray doubled over the bowl again. However, nothing came forth and he was left dry heaving violently while Zari watched on helplessly. 

Feeling awkward, Ray turned to her and whispered, “Do you mind getting me some water? There’s only so much unfiltered water I can drink.” 

“Yeah, sure. I’ll be back,” Zari said and went to the galley to get a glass of cold water. But when she returned, she found Ray passed out on the floor. Alarmed, she called, 

“Gideon?”   


“Do not worry, Miss Tomaz. I have released an antiemetic through the ventilation with Dr. Palmer’s reluctant consent and it seems that his exhaustion has caught up with him. Dr. Palmer had been vomiting throughout the night.”

“You mean he was like this all night? Wait, how has no one seen him yet?”

“Hie relocation to the bathroom was only a recent development due to dehydration. He had been dealing with his rather unpleasant predicament in his own room in a washbasin.”

Zari’s gaze softened. “Why didn’t you call any of us? Heck, even Mick would’ve helped you out.” Then realization dawned on her. “There is no way in any time period I’m carrying you out of here.” Luckily, she heard Nate whistling down the hall. 

She stuck her head out the doorway and called, “Hey, Nate. Help me out.”

‘What’s going o--oh.” Nate trailed off when he noticed Ray. 

“He-He’s okay, right?” Nate asked.    


“Yeah. Gideon says that he’s fine. But he was throwing up for a while.”    


“Do you think it’s a side effect of the cancer?”   


“I’m not sure. I’ve been reading up on it but I had to stop because I got too emotional.”

“Me too. It’s been hard to read up because I was scared that every bad thing would happen to Ray.”   


“I think we need to look at it with the patented Ray optimism.”

“God knows we need that right now.” Nate chuckled and stared at Ray sadly while Zari rubbed his arm reassuringly. 

After taking a moment to collect themselves, Nate clapped his hands and said, “So how are we getting him out of here?”

“I don’t know maybe you steel up and I’ll, I don’t know, spot you?”   


“Do you expect me to steel up at this time of the day?”   


“Yes?” Nate smiled at that response and crouched down to carry him out, bridal style. When Ray was successfully secured in his arms, Nate started to make his way out of the bathroom. 

“Ray, buddy, why are you so much leg?” Nate grunted. Zari was sure his face would be hilariously red from exertion if it weren’t for his steel-state. 

“Hey, Zari? I just realized something. Ray’s room is very far from the bathroom.”

“I wonder how he got here in the first place. Whose room is the closest?”

“It’s that empty room that Mick is so protective of.”

“I’m sure he’d understand, right?”

“We don’t really have a choice right now.”

So the trio made their way to the room. Upon arrival, they noticed that the room was remarkably clean with no trace of dust anywhere. However, the things inside seemed like they had been looked at rather recently. Nate lowered Ray into the bed while Zari looked around. She noticed a notebook on the table and ruffled through it.

“I think I figured out why Mick doesn’t let anyone in here.” Zari turned towards Nate with the notebook in hand and read out loud, “Hey Len. I think the people on this ship are starting to forget you. I haven’t though. I always remember that I’m still with these idiots because you had a soft spot for them. I’m still trying to see what you saw in them. They still think I’m some sort of hardcore criminal with no room in my heart for caring or whatever.”   


“What are you doing with that?” a voice bellowed. Nate and Zari turned to see Mick at the entrance, pointing his heat gun at Zari. 

Zari raised her hands and said, “Hey, I wasn’t trying to pry or anything. We were just curious whose room this used to be. Who’s Len?”

“Leonard Snart. My best friend. Partner-in-crime. Literally.” Mick took the notebook from Zari with surprising gentleness. “He died saving us from Time Idiots. Time Masters,” Mick added at their confused looks. Mick grunted affectionately and returned the book to its original position. Then, he noticed Ray. “Is Haircut alright?”

“Yeah. He’s just tired. He has apparently been vomiting all night long, though,” Zari said, yawning.   


“You two go. I’ll watch him. Sleep,” Mick said gruffly. Nate started to protest but decided against it. 

As they made their way out, Nate paused and said, “You’re more than a criminal. You’re a friend,” then silently left. Unsure of what to make of that, Mick settled into the desk chair and picked up a pen and started to write more notes to Snart.

~

White bedsheets. A significant lack of building models. A picture of… Mick and Leonard Snart?

“You scared everyone, Haircut.” Ray turned to see Mick lounging in the chair beside the bed with a typewriter and reading glasses. 

“Why am I in Leonard’s room?”   


“It was the closest room to the bathroom.”

“Ah.” Ray nodded, then, using the nightstand for support, lifted himself out of the bed. 

“What are you doing?”   


“I can’t in good conscience sleep here. I know how important this room is to you.” Ray smiled warmly and made his way to his own room, gripping to the wall as tightly as he could. He thought Mick would stop him, but he simply nodded with gratitude at Ray and returned to his writing.

When he finally arrived, he fell onto the bed, wincing at the high pitched creak his bed made. He settled in to fall asleep once more when he heard Nate down the hall.

“I’m going to pick up the basin that Gideon said Ray’s been puking in.”   


When Nate burst into the room, he jumped in fright, clutching his heart rather comically and cartoonishly. 

“Ray? What are you doing here? Why are you awake?”

“It was Snart’s room. I couldn’t sleep there,” Ray responded. Nate, although he didn’t quite understand, simply nodded and sat next to Ray on the bed. 

“Oh, right. I’m sorry for yelling at you like that yesterday. It--I wasn’t thinking properly.”

“No, Ray. That was on me. I shouldn’t have left. I should’ve known you weren’t so hot mentally.” They fell into a silence that Ray couldn’t discern the mood of. 

“You know, I’ve been all weird about this cancer thing because my dad had it too.”

“Cancer?”   


“Yeah. I was pretty young when he died. Chemo ruined him, Nate. Cancer ruined him. He wasn’t the fun-loving dad I knew. He was always so tired, so confused. I didn’t know how to act around him. I don’t want that to happen to me. To you guys.”

“Ray, you can go all bald and forget who we are and we’ll still love you.”   


“But why? I’m not a good friend. I yelled at you, I don’t know when to shut up, I don’t talk about things that other people want to talk about--”   


“And that’s why we love you. You shine a light for everyone. When everyone fears the worst you hope for the best. You’re the first person to notice when anyone’s down and you make people feel better. We love everything about you because you make us feel better about everything about us. Cancer’s not going to change the fact that you’re a friend. It’s only going to make us fight harder for you.” 

Nate hugged Ray, and with teary eyes, he hugged his friend back. They pulled away and smiled at each other until Nate had to point out the elephant in the room. “We established that we love you, but that basin is starting to smell real bad.”

Ray laughed. “Go ahead, Nate. Thank you.” Nate eased himself off and walked to the corner of the room.

“Why do you even have a washbasin?”   


“Oh! I use it to brush my teeth. It’s not worth waiting in that line”

“What happened to the bathroom signup sheet?”   


“I mean, no one uses it. It’s total anarchy in there.”

Nate smiled and took the basin to rinse it out. He came back to an asleep Ray Palmer. He gently tossed a blanket over him, whispering, “You’re my best bro. Cancer or an outburst like that won’t keep me away.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently Ray's father died of cancer in the DC comics: https://dc.fandom.com/wiki/David_Palmer_(New_Earth)  
> I haven't read the comics, so I don't know 100% the validity of that. If anything, think of it as a speculation of just the TV series. 
> 
> Oh! I changed the title of the work. It was a placeholder, and I really like this new title. I'll be happy to explain it to you if you're curious!
> 
> Again, not a doctor, not a med student, etc etc. If you have pointers, I would love to hear them! I'm also basing the experience off of my experience of being around with cancer. I myself have never had cancer, so if there is something I'm not doing good it, also let me know! Also, I have a problem with the word also. I have used the word also way too many times in this one paragraph, which is not only a problem but it also is annoying. Now I'm doing it on purpose. I'll stop now. Also---  
> 😊


	5. You're Worth It, Raymond Palmer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the story originally titled More than Demons if the change in title confused you!

“You’re not going to feel a thing. We’ll be keeping you under sedation and watching you like a hawk,” Sara said, gripping Ray’s forearm. Ray nodded, swallowing nervously. He looked at his crewmates who surrounded the medbay chair, each wearing a look of concern, even Mick.

“I trust you guys,” he said as he drifted off as the sedatives began working through his system. Sara watched as he went under, noticing with sadness that she hadn’t seen him truly relaxed in so long. 

“Okay, Gideon. You’re up.” A device that looked like a futuristic hairdryer extended over and onto Ray’s head as Gideon started the operation. 

“What’s this going to do with Haircut?” Mick asked. 

“The operation will not completely remove the tumors in Dr. Palmer’s head. It will only instead remove the most accessible ones. Normally, the procedure is done with the patient awake to ensure no extensive brain damage occurs. However, my technology allows it so that Dr. Palmer can remain sedated throughout. Luckily so, as Dr. Palmer was showing signs of panic beforehand.”

“Okay, Gideon. No need to get distracted by us. Focus on Ray.”

“As you wish, Captain.”

~

“Captain, the operation will take more time than originally planned. I suggest you take a break.”

“No, Gideon. I promised I would be with him through this all. I don’t intend to break my promise.”

Ray’s face was obscured by the device, leaving Sara to watch his fingers as they occasionally twitched gently. She couldn’t help feeling guilty that she had left Ray’s condition to deteriorate to this level. She considered it her duty to be on top of her crew’s health. She had to be. They were literally travelling into the past, to the times of Black Plague, Spanish Flu, or even strains of the common cold that didn’t exist in the current times, although _that_ was all relative nowadays. But more than that, she thought back to all the times she had shouted at Ray, receiving a wince and a soft nod in return. She had probably been making a headache much worse, but Ray in all his sweet, puppy-like ways never complained. 

“Damnit, Ray. Just say something.”

~

“Hey, Gideon?”

“The procedure is not complete yet, Miss Tomaz.”

Zari groaned into her hands. In front of her was an abandoned donut, a single bite taken out of it. Her video game character was currently being pummeled by the computer but she couldn’t care less. 

“You’re supposed to distract me,” she muttered to the donut, whose glaze shined back at her almost cheekily. Great. Now she was having arguments with her food. 

“Do you think you can hack Gideon so we can see what the heck is going on?”

She turned to a disheveled Nate whose face was tight with worry and looked as if he hadn’t showered for weeks, even though it hadn’t been that long since the operation started. 

“You look like crap,” Zari said humorlessly. Nate gave a slight chuckle and ran his hands through his hair, messing it up even more.

“But do you think you can hack the big G?” Nate asked.

“You...want to see an ongoing brain surgery? I know you guys are like bros forever and all, but that’s a little too much.”

“I don’t know anymore. I want to do something but I don’t know what.”

“Ray’s the one who can usually distract us, isn’t he.”

Before Nate could reply, he was distracted by a grunt from behind him. Mick was carrying three beers in one hand and the tv remote in the other. 

“Football?”

Nate and Zari glanced at each other and shrugged. 

“Sure.”

It wasn’t the perfect distraction. Hell, it wasn’t a distraction at all. But for the moment, they could pretend that this was all that they cared about, all that burdened them.

~

Ray awoke relatively quickly after the operation ended. He looked to the left of him and noticed with great surprise that Sara was staring at him from a stool next to him.

“Hey,” Sara whispered, relief obviously clear in her eyes.

“When you said you were going to be watching me, I didn’t think literally,” Ray said, a slight smile wrinkling his eyes.

“I keep my promises,” Sara smirked back, reaching up to fix a hastily thrown together bun. She looked upwards and called. “Gideon, how did it go?”

“The procedure worked better than originally anticipated. However, the tumors in Dr. Palmer’s brain remains a threat to his wellbeing.”

“Tell me all that later Gideon. Rest now. When you have some strength back, we need to celebrate! “

“What are we celebrating?” Ray asked.

“The surgery went well and we’re one step closer to getting you all better.”

“I really don’t think all that’s necessary.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I have so far to go. This all might not even work out either. Isn’t it better to save all the celebration for the possible future?”

“What happened to the Ray that always looks on the bright side?”

“I’m just saying that it’s all pointless if we celebrate every victory. What’s next, we celebrate less vomit after chemo, or ‘Yay, my hair’s not completely gone,’ or I don’t know anymore!”

“Is this about your dad?”

“Did Nate tell you?” Ray asked uncomfortably. 

At Sara’s nod, he sighed. “Yes, but not entirely. I know you guys care for me no matter what or whatever, but it’s hard knowing that I’m going to lose so much of me that makes me, me, you know? I saw the happiest man on earth lose all hope because of a stupid thing called cancer. It’s not the best example.”

“It’s going to be rough. I know that. You definitely know that. We can’t remove it. We can’t push it under the rug and say that it doesn’t bother us anymore, because it does. You have always made everyone feel better about themselves. You make a room brighter just by smiling. You are such an amazing person, Ray, and you make everyone feel amazing too. Let us return the favor. Let us make you feel like the most important person in the multiverse. Because you know what? You’re worth it, Raymond Palmer.”

“I’m worth it,” Ray repeated, sounding like he was trying to convince himself. 

“Don’t ever forget.” Sara gently patted Ray’s arm, then stood. “Get some rest. Swing by when you’re feeling better. We do need to talk about the chemo schedule and all that fun stuff.” 

Ray sent Sara off with a wave and a grimace. He settled into the chair and thought back to what Sara had said just now, and what Nate had said not so long ago. It was a very new phenomenon, being so supported. Of course, a billion-dollar tech company means that there was help along the way, but that had never felt personal. Even his own mother had always been awkward around him, never understanding his experiments and never attempting to learn more. That had gotten worse when his father had passed away. His mother was always closer to Sydney. Sydney made sense. Sydney was normal. She knew what to do with Sydney. Ray was too different. And his father had gotten that. David Palmer had helped him learn how to read a clock when he realized that punctuality was important to Ray. His father made a point to learn greener recipes so that Ray could eat healthily. It was his father that had gifted him a kid’s physics set. He was Ray’s origin story, the person in his corner. 

He wasn’t going to be like his father. He wasn’t going to let something like cancer sap him of himself. Ray was going to be strong, even if it kills him.

Because what else was he good for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What? Two heartfelt speeches in a row? Too much? Maybe. But I think poor Ray here needs a lot of love from his team. 
> 
> Writing about cancer's hard, especially since someone who was dear to my heart went through it. If you have beaten, going through, scared of, watching, experiencing, all relevant verb-ing cancer and you need to talk, feel free to talk to me! If you can figure out how to pm me through A03, go ahead, but otherwise, my Tumblr is at https://petruchioandtherose.tumblr.com/ or at https://harleyfallsanddrownsinshadows.tumblr.com/
> 
> I'm not an expert on anything except procrastinating, so any inconsistencies, please let me know!
> 
> Comments and kudos, while not necessary and in no way required, feed me. Literally. I drink their blood for breakfast.


	6. To Be Able To Punch

Ray had resisted using painkillers to soothe his pain, instead opting for sleep. He didn’t want to lessen the effectiveness of his go-to if his cancer got worse. When it got worse. But after his surgery, Sara had practically force-fed him some Gideon-approved medication which, while he didn’t exactly agree to it, did give him a long-awaited restful sleep. Which was perfect for the next scheme the Legends team had come up with.

With careful placement of some noise-canceling headphones and an eye mask, they sealed Ray’s peace. Nate carefully orchestrated a train of supplies steadily entering the room. Soon, the quarter was full to the brim with cardboard boxes labeled and organized by item. 

Nate then directed a mass unpacking and decorating with cartoon spy movie-esque hand movements that most definitely helped. Or it would’ve helped if Sara, Zari, and Mick would stop rolling their eyes and actually listened. But that all ceased to matter when the team dusted their hands off and gazed at their handiwork. 

The Legend’s first reaction to any threat was to go in swinging. To be honest, everybody would have preferred a nefarious supervillain that they could punch then… then this. All they wished was to be able to reach in and erase the parasites in Ray’s brain. Or at least be able to quell his pain with a hug or a back rub. Helplessness was a bitch that couldn’t be avoided but not without trying. It didn’t help that their resident optimist was so out of positivity. 

Even the members who had never seen cancer knew of it. They all knew of the side effects of chemo. They all knew how much life got sucked out of a person. And God, did they wish that they only knew of it. Seeing someone that they looked up to as their rock and lighthouse crumble was something that they dreaded deeply.

With a gentle gesture of goodbye from each member, whether it was a pat on the hand or a kiss on the forehead, the team was off to their respective rooms, waiting for Ray Palmer to discover their gift.

After possibly the best sleep that Ray had gotten probably since his childhood, he opened his eyes to...nothing. Confused, he reached up to discover an eye mask and headphones that were definitely not there when he had laid down. He removed the two mysterious pieces to discover the Legends’ handiwork. 

From floor to ceiling, there were pictures. Photographs of him and his father, some he had never seen before. Paintings of him and his friends laughing together at an unknown joke. Spaced in between were quotes in big block letters that, upon closer inspection, were inspirational quotations from himself or from people that he admired. Above him, swirly vinyl decal letters read, “You Are Not Alone.” 

“Gideon? Did- Did the team do this?” Ray asked quietly, still admiring the spread before him.

“Indeed they did, Dr. Palmer. How are you feeling?” the AI said, volume lowered graciously considerably. 

“Tired, mostly. And the place where you cut in is pretty sore. But overall, honestly, it’s the same as before, which I guess is a good thing. Where are the others?” Ray asked 

“They are in the galley, eagerly waiting for your arrival, Dr. Palmer, if you are up for it.” 

“Let’s do this,” Ray said, rubbing his palms together. 

“Rise up slowly, Dr. Palmer. You did just have brain surgery.”

“Thanks, Gideon.” Carefully, under the watchful and hypothetical eyes of Gideon, Ray made his way down into the galley, where, true to her report, the rest of the team were. They sat around the round table looking anywhere but at Ray, pretending like they haven’t been staring at the entrance since Gideon had announced that Ray had risen. 

“How did you sleep, Raymond?” Nate asked casually. Or as casual as he could muster, which was as convincing as a cute but very badly produced kindergarten class play. 

“Cut to the chase, Pretty Boy. Did ya like the gift we left?” Mick said with a swig of his beer. 

“I have no words,” Ray stammered. “This is the best present I have ever received.” 

“And we give it to you because?” Sara prompted with raised eyebrows.

“Because I’m… I’m worth it?” Ray said, grinning shyly and admittedly a bit watery. 

“That’s our boy.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Beebo Day everybody! (It's still Christmas Day where I am)
> 
> I wanted to put this chapter out on Christmas, so it is a bit of a shorter one, and while it isn't Christmas themed, it is very fluffy and nice, which I think is nice (haha 😁)
> 
> I hope everybody has wonderful holidays! Stay safe and stay healthy. A lot of virtual hugs (or virtual back pats if you dislike hugs. Or a virtual smile and friendly finger guns if you dislike back pats. Or any form of admiration and affection that you prefer) to you all!
> 
> Merry Christmas!


End file.
